The Day It All Began/ One Fateful Day (CCS XD)

Hmm... I created this blog thing a while ago, and never used it until now....
This is probably a bad time to begin blogging, because I need to study for finals, but there are too many things on my mind, so I might as well unload them here and now.
This is to be my secret blog; secret, in a sense, because no one knows about it, unlike my Xanga. Hopefully I will keep up with it.

So, the main thing on my mind.... lately I have been pondering things, such as the reason events occur, life, why humans exist, my own purpose, things like that. Though I was raised as a Christian, even confirmed, and my entire family background is composed of Christians, I choose not to follow this religion, for several reasons. First of all, this world is just too massive and confusing for me to put it in perspective, let alone digest and believe in the story of God, the creation of the Universe in 7 days, Jesus, and all such related things. (I respect all religions, and since I don't deny that the existence of a god could be 'possible', I suppose I would be called agnostic.) Also, it can be hard to believe in a god, or whatever, when so many inexplicable things, both good and bad, happen. My status on religion troubles me....now I have much guilt, because I was practically forced to be confirmed into the Christian religion (and openly mentioned my dislike of that idea at the time) by my family, a family who doesn't actively practice it, and even now I regret it, because I do not embrace my supposed religion. Does that really make any sense?

Anyway, about magic and witchcraft. I really wish there was someone I could ask, or a place I could go to seek answers, but I don't know anyone who has knowledge of such things, and have no clue about how to reach out, and on the web, I wouldn't have any clue of where to look. (Maybe I should look to books then, instead...?)
An odd thing, really, but for whatever reasons I have decided to begin my 'magickal journey' today. For quite a long time preceding this, various supernatural beliefs have grown within me. I knew for a while that magic was right for me, given my predisposition to lean toward magical or supernatural notions and vague belief in such things.

But it is so vague, that I do not exactly know where I stand. Instead of being rooted or chained to just one belief or notion, I have come to believe in a variety of things, without much knowledge of them. My one greatest of these, perhaps my fundamental principle, is the belief in karma. I truly support this type of idea, though for me, it is not the answer to everything. No, it is much more complicated than that.

It is an unfortunate thing that I am so divided in my beliefs. I live with an uncontrollable ambivalence; my mind, body and soul are divided rigidly into two sides, and that is the best way I can describe it. Part of me has a strong logical association, prefers reason and likes to attribute things to science, looking for logical rather than supernatural answers to why things are so.
The other side, however, is deeply spiritual and psychic, looking toward magic and other mystical reasons as to why things are so. This part of me may have stemmed from my childhood, because I wished so desperately for these things to be true, and from my great interest in many things. Currently, this side of me is reining, and it is what has driven me on my journey today.

I am probably a very foolish person, but am trying to sort out myself and my thoughts. In my journey, I want to learn about many things: witchcraft, magick, astrology, tarot, etc.
I would like to learn witchcraft, and be able to use magic for various uses, but don't know where to begin, as I mentioned (and also, the scientific part of my mind is nagging at me, saying there is no such things, though I desperately want there to be, and an equally great part of me is saying that it must be so...... and what about all those other people who are witches and warlocks? :P)
I am not sure about whether my belief in magic is actually about magic, or will. I strongly support the idea that a powerful will drives things to happen (albeit for me, they tend to be in a twisted way, and I have an odd 'curse' of sorts that relates to will, which I cannot discuss here at the moment.) So perhaps, my desire to learn witchery is only to gain a tool to enhance my will. Personally, my mental status influences a strong effect on my physical body (such as being sick from stress, or getting into crazy irrational situations when my mind is afflicted with distress) and what happens to me. I know that I have a strong will, and in the past, I have caused several things to happen indirectly in a way, but with that semi-twisted outcome that I mentioned. I tend to attribute that to karma, since I believe that to gain my desired end result, it only makes sense that I would have to give things up or suffer some kinds of setbacks.

Another reason that I seek magical/ spiritual knowledge is probably because I am not a strong person physically, and I cannot easily stand up for myself. I am not saying that I get beaten up a lot or anything like that. But I fear the world and the people in it, I am easily scared away or frightened by things or ideas, so if I cannot find the physical will to be able to do things, I sort of need to build the mental within, first. Yet I still need to determine where I stand....

Oh yeah, I never really finished the idea of why I am foolish... you see...
With magic, I don't even know where to begin. I know that Wicca is some sort of religion, with deities, and that's kind of what I wanted to avoid. I wonder if there are other sorts of witchcraft? I have read in a few places that there is more than one way to go about magic, but is there really anything that does not involve worshiping gods and such? The foolish thing about me is that, if I have to pay homage to anything, I would choose, rather than a god, living and non-living things such as trees; the moon; sun; the sky; the stars; the elements like fire, water, earth, and air; etcetera... I feel like a fake and that I am not doing things right........
And so I have many questions about that. Again: Is Wicca the only sort of witchcraft? Also, Are there any witches who develop (and use with results) their own special type of magick? Are things like herbs and oils really used to any effect? I need to know more..... Probably I should start doing my own research but like I said, I have no idea where to begin... I really wish that someone would reach out to me or that I could reach out to someone who knows things about this, or has experience, and can share these things with me....

I have more questions; I also wonder if astrology, witchcraft, and tarot can be used altogether.... I want to learn divining maybe. I tried to read a question about my future with tarot cards once (I have a simple 78 card deck.) I also want to learn more about astrology, and perhaps numerology and geomancy; and Taoism also interests me. I think I want to learn more about I Ching/ The Book of Changes, the Ba Gua/ Pa Kua and such things.....

Okay, from here on, I will be doing more research, and developing myself. (I really want to change myself, in a lot of ways.) The reason behind this blog is essentially self- and soul-searching, documentation for personal posterity, and perhaps for reaching out to other people who have similar interests. My journey begins! ^ ^;;